Was I Naive or in Denial?

Was I naive or just in denial? I still do not know the answer to this question. Until recently, I swore I was completely naive, but it just seems so unreal that I never questioned a thing. Let me explain.

Like any spouse or partner of a sex addict, after discovery, I realized there were signs all along that could have clued me in to the fact that he was living a secret life. One incidence in particular still blows my mind, mainly because I never questioned it or gave it a second thought. At the time, my daughter was a teenager and needed to print out a report she did for school. Since the printer was not installed on her laptop, she needed to print it out from my husband's computer while he was at work. When she printed it out, another page must have already been in his printer's queue because it printed out with her report. The page was titled "Escorts in Greenville." Then there was a long list of escort (prostitute) ads down the entire page. My daughter immediately brought me the page and told me that it printed out with her report. I looked at it and responded that it must be a virus on his computer. That was it. I didn't give it a second thought. 

That evening, my husband returned home from work and I had already forgotten about the escorts page. Later, when my daughter came into the kitchen for a snack, she asked me if I told him about the virus on his computer. I dug the paper out of the trash and showed it to my husband. He shrugged and agreed that it must be a virus. No more was said. 

After discovery day, my husband and I have talked about this incident and he admits that he was secretly freaking out when I brought him the printed page of escorts. I just wonder why I didn't question it further, at least in my mind. Why would a virus on his computer cause a page of escorts in Greenville to end up in my husband's printer queue? Looking at the situation now, I see that it made no sense at all. However, back then I never gave it a second thought. I just blindly accepted that it was a virus and went on with my day. Was I simply naive and trusting? In part, yes, I do believe that to be the case. But over the last few months, I've started to wonder if maybe I did not WANT to investigate the issue further because I didn't want to know the truth. I still don't know the answer.

A year after discovery, nothing goes by unnoticed. The old me who blindly trusted my husband on his word is gone for good. Now I question everything out of the ordinary and am slow to trust anyone. I kind of miss the old me living with blinders on, but I'd also like to slap the old me upside the head to knock some sense into myself. As I heal from the grief of my husband's many betrayals, whether we stay together or not, I really hope I can get back a little bit of the old me. As almost any spouse or partner can agree, it is exhausting living in a world of suspicion and distrust. At the same time, I now see that I was unrealistic in my thinking back then. I have come to realize that anyone, even those closest to me, are capable of dishonesty and betrayal because we are all flawed humans.