Does your relationship suffer from sexual or intimacy anorexia?

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My Confession

If I am to be completely honest, I have to make a confession. A few years ago, I had a very short stint as a "phone actress." Okay, that is the nice way of saying I was a phone sex operator. By day, I had a "respectable" career in the corporate world, but I simply wasn't making enough money to pay-off some old debts that were haunting me. One day, while commiserating about my debt situation to my assistant (who was also a good friend), I said, "I don't know, I'm so damned desperate for cash I may just turn to phone sex." I was being completely facetious. However, my assistant, who was as wholesome as they come (or so I thought), told me she might be able to help me out and we could talk about it later. What?!

After work that day, she told me about her part-time gig as a PSO (phone sex operator). The money was only so-so, but the work was easy and I could do it as much or as little as I wanted. I was absolutely floored. I instantly saw my friend/assistant in a whole new light because you would never, ever think she was capable of talking dirty to strangers on the phone for money. I decided to go ahead and apply for a PSO job with the same company she worked for, as a dispatch PSO. This means the company routed calls to my home phone when I was on-the-clock. Of course, I needed to talk to my husband about it first.

Keep in mind, this was about 2 years before the discovery of my husband's sex addiction. When I talked to my husband about the prospect of becoming a PSO, he seemed a little uncomfortable with the idea (ironic, eh?), but gave me his blessing if I thought it would help our financial situation and I didn't mind the work. As it turned out, I worked as a part-time PSO for roughly 4 months before I just couldn't stand it anymore and quit. Every time I clocked in, I absolutely dreaded the phone ringing. I had nothing against the profession, but it just wasn't for me.

I mention this PSO-chapter of my life here because it really came back and kicked me in the ass after discovery. While I was a PSO, I actually believed I was offering a service that was not hurting anyone. Of course, my view on it has changed dramatically since that horrible day, about a year ago, when I found evidence of my husband's secret life. Shortly after discovery of my husband's sex addiction, I felt incredible grief for all of the other wives and partners of sex addicts who I may have indirectly hurt during those 4 months as a PSO. How could I have thought this was a harmless way to earn a living? I wondered if karma was coming back to haunt me. Today, approximately a year after discovery, I am not proud of my days as a PSO, but I feel like I am being dishonest when I omit that part of my past.

My experience as a PSO also gives me a bit of a different perspective on the sex workers that my husband hired during his full-blown addiction mode. My first gut reaction, after viewing some of the evidence of my husband's infidelities, was that I hated the escorts, strippers and other sex workers he hired. But, after thinking about it for awhile, I realized that most of the sex workers do not want to be "home-wreckers" or destroy relationships. They just want to earn a living like the rest of us. Granted, there are certainly other ways to earn money, but I can honestly say that I never even considered the fact that I might be feeding the addiction of a sex addict while I worked as a PSO.  During those 4 months, I belonged to Facebook groups and other private online groups where adult entertainment workers came together to discuss the business. Most of the women and men I interacted with online "behind the scenes" were just normal, everyday people making a living. They did not want to participate in the destruction of a marriage. While my immediate gut reaction was to blame the sex workers for causing my pain, I have to acknowledge the fact that they did not vow to be faithful to me for the rest of my life. My husband did.

Plus, I can't help but remember that many sex workers are also sex addicts, just like my husband.

I went from a PSO to a PSA... No, the irony of the situation is not lost on me.

Was I Naive or in Denial?

Was I naive or just in denial? I still do not know the answer to this question. Until recently, I swore I was completely naive, but it just seems so unreal that I never questioned a thing. Let me explain.

Like any spouse or partner of a sex addict, after discovery, I realized there were signs all along that could have clued me in to the fact that he was living a secret life. One incidence in particular still blows my mind, mainly because I never questioned it or gave it a second thought. At the time, my daughter was a teenager and needed to print out a report she did for school. Since the printer was not installed on her laptop, she needed to print it out from my husband's computer while he was at work. When she printed it out, another page must have already been in his printer's queue because it printed out with her report. The page was titled "Escorts in Greenville." Then there was a long list of escort (prostitute) ads down the entire page. My daughter immediately brought me the page and told me that it printed out with her report. I looked at it and responded that it must be a virus on his computer. That was it. I didn't give it a second thought. 

That evening, my husband returned home from work and I had already forgotten about the escorts page. Later, when my daughter came into the kitchen for a snack, she asked me if I told him about the virus on his computer. I dug the paper out of the trash and showed it to my husband. He shrugged and agreed that it must be a virus. No more was said. 

After discovery day, my husband and I have talked about this incident and he admits that he was secretly freaking out when I brought him the printed page of escorts. I just wonder why I didn't question it further, at least in my mind. Why would a virus on his computer cause a page of escorts in Greenville to end up in my husband's printer queue? Looking at the situation now, I see that it made no sense at all. However, back then I never gave it a second thought. I just blindly accepted that it was a virus and went on with my day. Was I simply naive and trusting? In part, yes, I do believe that to be the case. But over the last few months, I've started to wonder if maybe I did not WANT to investigate the issue further because I didn't want to know the truth. I still don't know the answer.

A year after discovery, nothing goes by unnoticed. The old me who blindly trusted my husband on his word is gone for good. Now I question everything out of the ordinary and am slow to trust anyone. I kind of miss the old me living with blinders on, but I'd also like to slap the old me upside the head to knock some sense into myself. As I heal from the grief of my husband's many betrayals, whether we stay together or not, I really hope I can get back a little bit of the old me. As almost any spouse or partner can agree, it is exhausting living in a world of suspicion and distrust. At the same time, I now see that I was unrealistic in my thinking back then. I have come to realize that anyone, even those closest to me, are capable of dishonesty and betrayal because we are all flawed humans.

Welcome Partners and Spouses of Sex Addicts

Welcome to my site. This is a site dedicated to my ramblings, rants and musings about living with my husband who is a sex addict. I made my first discovery of his sex addiction about a year ago, and like any other partner of a sex addict, I was shattered. Somehow, I slowly managed to get on with life after discovery and we are still married, living together in the same house. 

Since discovery, I have sought out all sorts of help for my situation, from professional therapy, to 12-step groups, to books, to advice from strangers online. I'm not a therapist, nor do I pretend to be, but one thing I've learned in the last year is that help comes in many different forms. The right kernel of advice or wisdom from a stranger on a forum can sometimes be just as thought-provoking and healing as a 50-minute therapy session. 

As my first official blog post, let me briefly explain my intentions for this site and future blog posts. I have been through Hell and am trying to find my way back, just like you may be trying to do right now, too. Throughout this journey, I've learned some pretty incredible lessons that have changed my outlook on many different aspects of my life. Immediately after discovery, when I was scouring the internet for help, I came across blogs written by other partners of sex addicts that both helped me and triggered me. By "triggered," I mean some of the blogs I read were written in such an angry vein that they brought up painful remembrances of confessions that my husband had made about his betrayals. I was already angry and hurt, so for me, reading posts that kept me mired in that anger and pain was not helpful. While I plan to always remain as real and candid as I possibly can in my posts, I don't want to trigger any additional pain for any of you.  Don't get me wrong, I won't censor anything, and if I need to get a point across that involves an explicit description or disturbing thought, I will probably go for it. But for the most part, I want to share things I've learned and continue to do so as I continue learning and healing. 

This site is for us, partners and spouses of sex addicts.