Does your relationship suffer from sexual or intimacy anorexia?

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My Confession

If I am to be completely honest, I have to make a confession. A few years ago, I had a very short stint as a "phone actress." Okay, that is the nice way of saying I was a phone sex operator. By day, I had a "respectable" career in the corporate world, but I simply wasn't making enough money to pay-off some old debts that were haunting me. One day, while commiserating about my debt situation to my assistant (who was also a good friend), I said, "I don't know, I'm so damned desperate for cash I may just turn to phone sex." I was being completely facetious. However, my assistant, who was as wholesome as they come (or so I thought), told me she might be able to help me out and we could talk about it later. What?!

After work that day, she told me about her part-time gig as a PSO (phone sex operator). The money was only so-so, but the work was easy and I could do it as much or as little as I wanted. I was absolutely floored. I instantly saw my friend/assistant in a whole new light because you would never, ever think she was capable of talking dirty to strangers on the phone for money. I decided to go ahead and apply for a PSO job with the same company she worked for, as a dispatch PSO. This means the company routed calls to my home phone when I was on-the-clock. Of course, I needed to talk to my husband about it first.

Keep in mind, this was about 2 years before the discovery of my husband's sex addiction. When I talked to my husband about the prospect of becoming a PSO, he seemed a little uncomfortable with the idea (ironic, eh?), but gave me his blessing if I thought it would help our financial situation and I didn't mind the work. As it turned out, I worked as a part-time PSO for roughly 4 months before I just couldn't stand it anymore and quit. Every time I clocked in, I absolutely dreaded the phone ringing. I had nothing against the profession, but it just wasn't for me.

I mention this PSO-chapter of my life here because it really came back and kicked me in the ass after discovery. While I was a PSO, I actually believed I was offering a service that was not hurting anyone. Of course, my view on it has changed dramatically since that horrible day, about a year ago, when I found evidence of my husband's secret life. Shortly after discovery of my husband's sex addiction, I felt incredible grief for all of the other wives and partners of sex addicts who I may have indirectly hurt during those 4 months as a PSO. How could I have thought this was a harmless way to earn a living? I wondered if karma was coming back to haunt me. Today, approximately a year after discovery, I am not proud of my days as a PSO, but I feel like I am being dishonest when I omit that part of my past.

My experience as a PSO also gives me a bit of a different perspective on the sex workers that my husband hired during his full-blown addiction mode. My first gut reaction, after viewing some of the evidence of my husband's infidelities, was that I hated the escorts, strippers and other sex workers he hired. But, after thinking about it for awhile, I realized that most of the sex workers do not want to be "home-wreckers" or destroy relationships. They just want to earn a living like the rest of us. Granted, there are certainly other ways to earn money, but I can honestly say that I never even considered the fact that I might be feeding the addiction of a sex addict while I worked as a PSO.  During those 4 months, I belonged to Facebook groups and other private online groups where adult entertainment workers came together to discuss the business. Most of the women and men I interacted with online "behind the scenes" were just normal, everyday people making a living. They did not want to participate in the destruction of a marriage. While my immediate gut reaction was to blame the sex workers for causing my pain, I have to acknowledge the fact that they did not vow to be faithful to me for the rest of my life. My husband did.

Plus, I can't help but remember that many sex workers are also sex addicts, just like my husband.

I went from a PSO to a PSA... No, the irony of the situation is not lost on me.