How My Thinking Has Changed in the Last Year

Wow, how my thinking has changed in the last year.

Yesterday, I was digging through some old documents that are saved on my laptop and I found the daily journal I started writing the day after discovering my husband's sex addiction. The journal describes our situation and how I was feeling every day for about 2 months following discovery.

I have never been much of a diary or journal kind of girl because I always hated the idea that someone could find my deepest, darkest thoughts written down somewhere, but after discovery I had the feeling that I should document everything as it unfolded. For what? I really don't know, yet. 

Anyway, I read through some of the excerpts from the journal and I was reminded of how sick my thinking really was back then. 

" Today I started scouring the internet, looking for tips on finding jobs in massage parlors. Maybe if I actually work in one and see how things are run, it will help me deal with the fact that David spent so much time in them. I figure I can see how impersonal the exchange really is between the masseuse and  the customer." 

What 'the hell was that? I completely forgot that I was actually thinking about finding a job in a massage parlor. If there was ever any doubt that the discoveries I made about my husband's sex addiction traumatized me, I think that direct quote from my journal will prove otherwise. Reading this now makes me feel sad for that desperate woman who just really wanted to make peace with her horrible situation. 

"I'm scared that David is going to relapse. I can't control it, I know. I just don't know what I'll do if I discover he has had sex with someone else again. I need a man who thinks it's easy to be devoted to me because in his mind, no other woman can compare to me."

I now see that my self-worth after discovery really hinged on whether or not there was a devoted man in my life. I had no idea that my self-worth needed to come from within myself. Such an easy concept, but I just didn't get it. 

"Biologically, if men have a natural instinct to procreate with as many women as possible, just like wild animals, maybe they are all fighting their natural instincts when they remain monogamous and loyal to their wives. Maybe no man can really be trusted...This makes me wonder if lesbians have the most fulfilling relationships because they are not fighting nature in order to remain loyal to their partners." 

I can see now that I was desperately trying to find some sort of explanation for my husband to betray me so many times and act the way he did. At the time, this was the only reason that I could come up with that even remotely made sense to me. It appears that I was trying to justify his actions because I had lost faith in all men. 

I remember feeling like my life would never feel safe again. I kept waiting for the "other shoe" to drop. Well, with every new confession and discovery that followed my initial discovery, that other shoe did drop many times over. But I can happily report that I no longer fear that it will drop again because I have somehow made it through those darkest days of my life without forgetting how to smile or laugh. 

Life with a sex addict is far from ideal. A day rarely goes by when one or both of us isn't trying to cope with something that relates to his addiction. I have no idea what the future holds for us, but I feel good in knowing that:

1. I never actually applied for a job in a massage parlor.

2. I no longer feel like I need a man in my life in order to feel complete.

3. I am slowly regaining my faith in mankind again.

Nothing's perfect, but at least I can now say that my thinking is far less-sick than it used to be.